Maintaining Moderation in Upbringing #1

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(Advice of ‘Allaamah ‘Abdul Wahhaab Sha’raani [rahimahullah])

‘Allaamah ‘Abdul Wahhaab Sha’raani (rahimahullah) was a renowned ‘Aalim and saint who was born in Egypt in 898 A.H. and passed away in 973 A.H. He writes the following:

One of the bounties of Allah Ta‘ala which I enjoyed was the bounty of entrusting the upbringing of my children and my brothers to Allah Ta‘ala (i.e. I made the appropriate effort to raise them correctly, but trusted in Allah Ta‘ala to make my effort successful, instead of trying to force my children to submit to my will).

I judged and gauged their actions in the light of the Quraan Majeed and sunnah. Hence, when they carried out a praiseworthy action, I would tell them, “Thank Allah (for enabling you to carry out this action),” and when they carried out any disapproved action, I would tell them, “Repent to Allah Ta‘ala.”

I do not contest the taqdeer that is written for them by forcing them to conform to every single thing that I wish for them, as this form of pressure and compulsion will be of no benefit (i.e. I make the appropriate effort to guide them, but I understand that the end result is in the control of Allah Ta‘ala, so I turn to Him in du‘aa and trust in Him to make my children pious).

There were many people who opposed this (mindset in raising children). They did not entrust the outcome of their children and brothers to Allah Ta‘ala in the manner we explained (rather, they tried to force and compel their children to submit to them). The outcome of their approach was regret and sorrow, with their children and brothers running away from them, as imposing such restrictions on them which have not been mentioned by Nabi (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam), is imposing on them that which they cannot manage and bear.

I saw a certain learned person who had imposed every form of restrictions on his children. He neither allowed them to speak of anything unimportant, nor did he allow them to socialize and interact with people, nor did he allow them to relax and enjoy themselves at any time. In fact, he went to this extent that when one of his children would go to the toilet, he would follow him. Then, if this child took a little extra time to relieve himself, he would say to him, “I used the toilet quickly, and in the time that you are sitting in the toilet, I memorized two masaa-il of Deen.”

This father would even impose restrictions on them by not allowing them to wear nice clothing and eat good food. Eventually, one of his children stole money from him and decided to poison his father. His other child went ahead and poisoned him, causing him to lose the tips of his fingers (due to the poisoning). The child then concealed himself in the darkness, with a dagger in his hand, planning to kill him. If the slave girl had not warned the son and informed the father of the son’s plan, he would have resorted to killing him in order to escape his unreasonable restrictions. Some of his children actually strangled themselves to death (committing suicide) when he threatened to punish them (unreasonably).

If this father had entrusted the outcome of his children to Allah Ta‘ala, and made an effort to guide his children, according to the principles of sharee‘ah and the demands of intelligence, he would have not fallen into these problems.”

(Al-Minanul Kubraa pg. 483)

To be continued insha Allah