Question:
Assalaamu ‘alaikum
Respected ‘Ulama
Please could you assist me with advice?
My ex-husband is not adhering to any settlement agreement and has been bad-mouthing me to my children throughout the years since our divorce. He pays very small amounts, and that too at irregular intervals, to the extent that I cannot rely on him to assist with the needs of our children. These matters have placed me constantly on the defensive and, more seriously, are beginning to affect my Imaan.
He frequently changes any agreement we try to put in place. My children have become distant from me, to the point where my ex-husband’s wife informs me that they are complaining about me. Although these complaints are either petty or outright untrue, and despite the fact that my children are aware that their father does not prioritise their needs, they continue to follow him unquestioningly. This hurts me deeply. As a result, I find myself speaking ill of him frequently and telling my children that they are merely using me.
I am remarried, and alhamdulillah, since my current husband spoke to my ex-husband, the verbal abuse has stopped. My children, however, beg me not to take him to court. When I sought legal advice, I was told that the maintenance court could sell off his assets and give me everything. I am very hesitant to pursue this route, as I feel this may not be the correct way for a Muslim.
On the other hand, in trying to bring some order to the chaos of my life — and more importantly, the lives of my daughters — I find myself losing my temper and saying things I later regret, Astaghfirullah.
I break down and cry frequently. Although my doctor has prescribed antidepressants, I do not take them, as they make me excessively drowsy.
I told my children that if they are tired of me fighting, they should try to reach an agreement with their father themselves. That was two weeks ago. He has been giving them the run-around, yet they continue to make excuses for him. They do not wish to live with him, as they fear he will not allow them to practise their Deen freely.
About six months ago, I heard from two reliable people that he was seen at a casino. I did not disclose this to anyone — neither my husband nor my children — but in my opinion, if my children were to stop visiting him altogether, it would be better for them.
What is the best course of action?
Answer:
Bismihi Ta‘ala
Wa ‘alaikumus salaam wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh
Respected Sister
You have raised two separate issues: the matter of the divorce settlement, and the matter concerning your children.
1. As for the divorce settlement, if this includes a claim for maintenance for yourself, you should note that you are only entitled to what rightfully belongs to you. After the completion of the ‘iddat period, the husband is not responsible for the maintenance of his former wife. Therefore, it is impermissible to demand maintenance beyond the ‘iddat or to make any additional financial claims in the form of a “settlement”.
In this regard, be content with what Allah Ta‘ala has provided for you. Insha Allah, there will be great barakah in this. By abstaining from impermissible demands, you will insha Allah find relief and peace within yourself.
However, the father remains responsible for the maintenance of his children. If they spend time with him, they may request that he covers their expenses and provides for their essential needs — such as clothing — during that time. Consequently, a lesser amount would be required for the period they are in your care. This matter should ideally be resolved through mutual agreement. If this proves difficult, you may approach a recognised ‘Ulama body to intervene and assist in reaching an amicable solution.
2. Regarding your children, it is essential to change your entire approach with them. Do not utter a single word against their father in their presence. Speaking negatively about him will not benefit you or them; rather, it may increase their resentment towards you.
Speak to them with kindness and affection. Offer gentle advice, praise them for the good that they do — especially acts related to ibaadah or good character — and continuously make du‘aa for them. Encourage them, in a very nice and compassionate manner to establish ta’leem of the Fazaail-e-Aa’maal and Fazaail-e-Sadaqaat at home.
They may not respond positively immediately, as change takes time. Nevertheless, continue with this approach solely for the pleasure of Allah Ta‘ala. Insha Allah, before long you will notice a difference. This will bring peace to your heart, and an improved relationship with your children will make it easier for you to guide them towards Deen.
While you should advise them, in a gentle manner, to avoid anything contrary to Deen, you MUST also advise them to remain respectful and obedient to their father in all permissible matters. As difficult as this may be for you, continue to emphasise this point with wisdom and kindness. The barakah and positive outcomes of this approach will soon become evident, insha Allah.
May Allah Ta‘ala remove your difficulties with ease and grant you and your family the best of this world and the Hereafter. Aameen.
Was Salaam
Answered by:
Uswatul Muslimah Panel of ‘Ulama