Question:
Assalaamu ‘alaikum
We’ve been married for 11 years now, but we are always fighting. My husband is a very moody person who talks to me when he feels like. He could go for weeks being angry with me. Most of the time it’s such petty things. When I try speaking to him about it, it gets so heated & blown out of proportion. If he’s wrong he will never apologise, instead he turns things around & makes it my fault.
He’s also not had much luck with work. With me working, we’ve managed to get through this twice before. This is now the third time he’s lost his job and he’s sitting at home, not making much of an effort to find a job. He’s so moody, he doesn’t even speak to me. I feel that he demands too much from me. I am trying to see to the basics at home but I am barely coping. He makes me feel so guilty if I can’t give him money, like for petrol. He picks on my mum all the time and I can’t understand why.
I don’t know what to do anymore. If we ever need anything, I’m always the one “making a plan” while he just does nothing. Is it really my responsibility to get everything done?
It’s enough stress on me right now and to also deal with his moods is now getting to me. If I need anything from him, I feel guilty to ask! He makes me feel like I’m a burden to him.
I sometimes wonder whether being alone is better than living life that I am leading now.
I make du‘aa every day for happiness. Insha-Allah my du‘aas will get accepted one day. Aameen
Answer:
Bismihi Ta‘ala
Wa ‘alaikumus salaam wa rahmatullahi wa barkaatuh
Respected Sister
Your plight is indeed distressing. Unfortunately, due to the consciousness of Allah Ta‘ala and of accountability in the Hereafter lacking, many people do not take heed about fulfilling the rights of Allah Ta‘ala (salaah, fasting, not committing sin, etc.) as well as the rights of people. Dealing incorrectly with people is tantamount to oppression. This invites the wrath of Allah Ta‘ala in this world and the Hereafter.
We advise that you first make an effort to try and bring the consciousness of Allah Ta‘ala in his heart. It will require some patience, effort and much du‘aa. Insha-Allah the situation will improve greatly. Adopt the following aspects:
1. Daily conduct ta’leem of the Fazaail-e-A‘amaal and Fazaail-e-Sadaqaat for at least ten minutes. Encourage him to participate but do not insist. If he does not join, you sit and read the kitaab slightly aloud. Insha-Allah if you consistently do this you will see the difference.
2. Encourage him to join the company of an ‘Aalim and join in the weekly programmes. Also encourage him to join the jamaat activities.
3. Play cds of some talks or zikr of Hazrat Moulana Yunus Patel (rahimahullah), Hazrat Mufti Ebrahim Salejee (mudda zilluhu) and other pious elders. Do not instruct your husband to listen. Merely play it reasonably loud while he is in the home.
4. Daily recite “Bismillahir Rahmaanir Raheem” 7 times and blow onto the food, water and other edibles that all will eat from. Recite it very consciously with the meaning in mind.
5. Daily recite “Ya Subboohu Ya Quddoosu Ya Ghafooru Ya Wadoodu” 3 times and very subtly blow on your husband.
6. If you can wake up at that time, the most effective du‘aa is at the time of tahajjud. Perform wudhu, 2 rakaats nafl with the intention of tahajjud as well as salaatul haajah (need) and then make earnest du‘aa for at least 4 to 5 minutes. Beg Allah Ta‘ala for guidance for yourself and your husband and for all to be enabled to fulfil the rights of Allah Ta‘ala and people. Make du‘aa for your husband to be blessed with good character. Perform this salaah and du‘aa in the same room where your husband is. If you cannot wake up in the last portion of the night, do this as the last thing before you go to bed.
May Allah Ta‘ala grant love and understanding between you and your husband and bless your marriage with happiness.
Answered by:
Uswatul Muslimah Panel of ‘Ulama