Question:
Assalaamu ‘alaikum
Respected ‘Ulama
My question is regarding the upbringing of our child.
My baby is small and I try to save him from bad environments and people. Some of my husband’s family have television and their outlook is different. Therefore, in a subtle manner we don’t allow them to take our baby to their home without us.
Recently someone who has kids said to me, “You cannot police your child forever and you will learn the hard way. I did not do this and my kids are good (matter of fact). So and so did what you are doing and see how their kids are (not noble).” This is worrying me. I am trying to do everything to do good tarbiyah; du‘aa, ta’leem and whatever we can. However, those words haunt me that my kids won’t be pious. Alas! I don’t know really how they would turn out. What can I do to ensure that I save my child from fitnah and make good tarbiyah without being too strict? I have so many reservations.
Please make a special du‘aa for me that my children must be pious, tolerant, forebearant ‘Ulama with ‘amal (practice), Huffaaz, muttaqis (Allah-fearing), daa‘ees (ones who invite others to Deen), saahib-e-tarteeb (ones who do not have a single missed salaah) and ahl-e-dil (those who have a special relationship with Allah Ta‘ala).
Please advise me on striking the balance and please make special du‘aa for my child.
Jazakallah
Answer:
Bismihi Ta‘ala
Wa ‘alaikumus salaam wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh
Respected Sister
The parents are responsible for the proper tarbiyah and upbringing of their children. While this should be done with love and compassion, it in no way means that the child should be exposed to things which are harmful or destructive to his imaan (faith), akhlaaq (character), hayaa (modesty), adab (respect), etc.
Exposing the child to television, movies, harmful literature such as novels, etc. is to lead the child towards the path of destruction. The parents will be answerable with regard to whether they made the correct effort in providing a proper upbringing to their children. Therefore, if the parents opened the door towards involvement in various sinful activities, they will be sinful and also responsible and answerable on the Day of Qiyaamah.
It does happen sometimes that a child who grew up with incorrect upbringing somehow receives some positive influence at a later stage in life and becomes pious and righteous. This in no way justifies the actions of the parents in allowing him to do things which are not permissible in the sharee‘ah. Sometimes there are children who were given the best upbringing, but unfortunately later on in life, they were somehow misled. This often happens because what they were protected from in earlier life was washed away by getting involved in bad company, whether physical company or the company of bad literature or harmful devices. This in no way means that the parents wasted their time in giving them the correct upbringing or that they would be taken to task for his misconduct, as long as they did whatever was in their capacity to keep guiding him and advising him.
The general system nevertheless is that if a child has been given the correct upbringing, and taqwa has been instilled in his life at an early stage, with the grace of Allah Ta‘ala he will insha-Allah continue on the Straight Path. In a similar vein, if a child has been allowed the freedom to do wrongful things in his early years, generally these habits get deeper over time and are very difficult to then change for the better. Hence, exceptions in a particular situation cannot be made the rule.
Continue with the commendable effort to provide the correct tarbiyah for your child. Do allow him some healthy recreation and alternatives to the harmful devices, provided they are done within the limits of the sharee‘ah.
May Allah Ta‘ala make your children pious and obedient servants of His, and may He make them excellent Huffaaz, ‘Ulama and servants of Deen, aameen.
Answered by:
Uswatul Muslimah Panel of ‘Ulama