Assalaamu ‘alaikum

Respected ‘Ulama

I have had an issue from when I was younger about being too straightforward and having no ‘filter’. I’ve learned to control myself in public, but I still have difficulty in speaking with kindness and softness to my family, particularly my mother. I really want to be an obedient child and I’m very grateful for everything she has done for me. Even as I say the harsh words or do a disobedient act, I know it is wrong but I cannot control myself. I’ve long wanted to change and tried many times to no avail. 

Please advise me.


Bismihi Ta‘ala

Wa ‘alaikumus salaam wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh

Respected Sister

You have stated that though you know it is wrong to speak harshly to your mother, yet you cannot control yourself. This is a very serious matter. Alhamdulillah, you have realised the severity, hence your efforts to change it and your request for help to overcome this very dangerous malady. May Allah Ta‘ala accept your taubah (remorse and regret) over this wrong and grant you the taufeeq to totally refrain from it in future.

Nothing is achieved without appropriate and proportionate effort. Similarly, an ailment is treated according to its severity. In some instances, some tablets will suffice, while in other cases an operation may be necessary. Therefore, you will have to prepare to undertake whatever is necessary to treat this malady which is currently out of control.

To start off, write a very respectfully and affectionately worded message to your mother. Acknowledge all her favours and then apologize profusely for all the harsh words you have uttered thus far. Beg her forgiveness and ask her to make du‘aa for you. Also, inform her that you are going to be making a concerted effort to stop this.

Keep a note book. Daily write down very briefly how many times you slipped up and spoke harshly or inappropriately. For each occasion perform 2 rakaats nafl salaah, or when unable to do so, make 100 times istighfaar for each occasion.

Daily recite the following aayaat (together with the meaning) 3 times a day (morning, after Zuhr and evening):

وَقَضَىٰ رَبُّكَ أَلَّا تَعْبُدُوا إِلَّا إِيَّاهُ وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًا ۚ إِمَّا يَبْلُغَنَّ عِندَكَ الْكِبَرَ أَحَدُهُمَا أَوْ كِلَاهُمَا فَلَا تَقُل لَّهُمَا أُفٍّ وَلَا تَنْهَرْهُمَا وَقُل لَّهُمَا قَوْلًا كَرِيمًا﴿٢٣﴾‏ وَاخْفِضْ لَهُمَا جَنَاحَ الذُّلِّ مِنَ الرَّحْمَةِ وَقُل رَّبِّ ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيرًا﴿٢٤﴾

Your Rabb has decreed that you worship none but Him, and do good to parents. If any one of them or both of them reach old age, do not say to them “uff” (a word or expression of anger or contempt) and do not scold them, and address them with respectful words, and submit yourself before them in humility out of compassion, and say, “My Rabb, be merciful to them as they have brought me up in my childhood.” (Surah Bani Israaeel v23-24)

Do the above for at least 40 days. Further, read the following ahaadeeth very carefully and meditate upon them thrice a day for 40 days as well:

إِنَّ اللهَ يُوْصِيْكُمْ بِأُمَّهَاتِكُمْ​

 “Allah Ta‘ala enjoins you to be dutiful to your mothers.” (Sunan Ibni Maajah #3661)

A Sahaabi came to Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) and asked for permission to join him in jihaad. After declining it a few times and telling him to take care of his mother instead, Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) finally said:

وَيْـحَك ! اِلْزَمْ رِجْلَهَا ، فَثَمَّ الْـجَنَّة​

“Woe to you! Hold fast to her feet (i.e. serve her and obey her day and night) for there lies Paradise.” (Sunan Ibni Maajah #2781)

لَعَنَ اللهُ مَنْ سَبَّ وَالِدَيْه

“May the curse of Allah Ta‘ala befall the one who insults his parents.” (Musnad Ahmad #858)

If the matter does not improve with your mother after one week of implementing the advice, every night go to her, hold onto her feet and seek for forgiveness for the harsh words of that day.

May Allah Ta‘ala assist you.

Answered by:

Uswatul Muslimah Panel of ‘Ulama