Question:
Assalaamu ‘alaikum
I am married and have two wonderful children Alhamdulillah. A few months into my marriage I found out that my husband was seeing another woman. He told me he was sorry and it just happened, so I forgave him. But ever since, I have found him cheating and this time it was physical. It came to a stage where I realised that he wasn’t happy with me. Since he never wanted to divorce, I gave him permission to take a second wife, which he did not do.
A few months back I found out he has been chatting to a non Muslim woman with whom he had fallen in love. He said that when he met her it was like she was what was missing from his life and he misses her and likes her a lot. She stopped all contact when she found out he was married and he was heartbroken over the fact that she was not talking to him. He kept trying to make contact with her, trying to win her back, until she was about to open a case of harassment against him.
So my thing is, had she accepted him he would have left me, but because she doesn’t want him, he is staying with me. It’s like he has no choice or I was the last option. With the other times I could forgive because it never included feelings. My heart is not in this marriage any more and I really want out of it. I want to live my life for me and my kids. I don’t think I can get past this time. I feel like he is just using me for his pleasure because other than that there is nothing in our marriage
Maaf for the long question but I am really hoping you can assist.
Answer:
Bismihi Ta‘ala
Wa ‘alaikumus salaam wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh
Respected Sister
Your husband’s conduct and illicit relationships is most despicable. May Allah Ta‘ala guide him and give him the ability of making sincere taubah.
While his haraam has been stopped by circumstances, look at this as unseen help for him and for your marriage. We strongly urge you that you try to save your marriage. Indeed, you have suffered much due to his despicable conduct. Nevertheless, you will be greatly rewarded for the patience you made and continue to make.
Although it is indeed painful to go through this situation, in the interim mask your feelings as best as you can and show extra affection to your husband, in your treatment towards him, in your cooking, dressing, giving of simple gifts, etc. Try to win his heart with affection. It will insha Allah turn his heart away from any incorrect contact.
The root issue is the heart. Merely taking some commitment from him, and he making promises that he will not commit haraam again is not enough. The main issue is that the consciousness of Allah Ta‘ala must develop in his heart. Then, even when he is alone, he will be conscious that Allah Ta‘ala is watching at all times. For this we suggest that with the greatest of importance you start the following:
1. Daily conduct ta’leem of the Fazaail-e-A‘amaal and Fazaail-e-Sadaqaat for at least ten minutes. Encourage him to participate but do not insist. If he does not join, you sit and read the kitaab with your children. Insha Allah if you consistently do this you will see the difference.
2. Make tilaawah of some portion of the Quraan Majeed daily.
3. Be punctual on zikr.
4. Make sincere du‘aa to Allah Ta‘ala to change the condition of your husband’s heart and to bless you’ll with peace and happiness.
5. Encourage your husband to join the company of some experienced ‘Aalim and attend his programmes.
May Allah Ta‘ala bless you with a life of joy and happiness, aameen.
Uswatul Muslimah Panel of ‘Ulama