Question:
(summarised)
Assalaamualikum
Respected Moulana/ Mufti Saab
I tried to do everything right in my marriage. It was an arranged marriage, we didn’t communicate much before the nikaah, and we had a small wedding. I wanted to be a stay at home wife, to take care of my husband, our home, invite his family for suppers and see to our future children.
It was all but a dream. My husband was oppressive and his parents never left us alone. Despite me trying very hard to make the marriage, after a short while we were separated and then I was forced to ask for a divorce.
I am thankful to Allah that this didn’t continue longer as at such an early time in our marriage we were having so much of problems that proved detrimental to my health and mind. I have gotten closer to Allah Ta‘ala and find peace in listening to lectures, reading articles and reciting the Quraan.
But I still cannot stop myself from thinking “why”? Why is it that girls my age who married their boyfriends are living blissful happy marriages? I tried to do everything according to the sunnah way and I’m divorced, while others who fell in love had relationships etc. are married. I’m not the one to judge but this is what I’m going through. I sound pathetic but all I wanted was my marriage to work out and for us to be happy. This is a constant battle I face internally.
Please can you help me and advise me.
Answer:
Bismihi Ta‘ala
Respected Sister
Wa ‘alaikumus salaam wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh
We were very saddened by your plight. May Allah Ta‘ala grant you ease and ‘aafiyat, aameen.
The crux of your question is that why did things not work out when you did everything correctly to the best of your ability.
This world is a place of means and an abode where generally the principle of ‘cause and effect’ applies. A marriage can be understood like a building which has to be jointly erected primarily by two people, with others also playing a secondary role in assisting the building process. One party diligently engages in building day and night. Unfortunately the second party, instead of building, does things which keep weakening the structure. He sometimes breaks the windows and doors, or rips out some roof sheeting, or rams the building with a truck, or in his foolishness even sets fire to the structure. Despite the diligent building efforts of the first party, the second party’s foolishness will unfortunately destroy the building and all that will be left will be ashes. Sometimes both parties build diligently but others destroy the building out of ignorance, carelessness or due to evil motives.
There is nevertheless a fundamental difference between the above example and the reality of marriage. In this world when the building burnt down to the ground, the matter often finishes there. The aggrieved party suffers the damage and the culprits get away. However, for a Mu’min the issue is very different. A Mu’min firmly believes in the Hereafter. The efforts of the one who worked hard at building the marriage may not have borne fruit in this world, but there is the Hereafter where all this will be rewarded beyond imagination. The culprits will also have to answer for their deeds on that day.
Nevertheless, to delve beyond this and keep asking “why” will not bring any relief. Dwelling on the past will only make one more miserable. Adopting patience and turning to Allah Ta‘ala will comfort the heart. It is also necessary to keep reminding oneself that this life is a test – and a very short test compared to the everlasting life of the Hereafter. Perhaps Allah Ta‘ala has some hidden wisdom in this which you cannot understand.
Bliss is not what you see. It is what Allah Ta‘ala says. Sometimes, you begin to see, understand, and perceive it straight away and sometimes you begin to understand with time. It is like a child who is asking his father for a gun, but the father gives him millions of rands. He is very disappointed with his father as he does not realize the worth of that wealth and he goes on making a tantrum that his father is not looking at him favourably. Obviously this is on account of his naivety and limitation.
May Allah Ta‘ala grant you the best of this world and the Hereafter. May He grant you a pious spouse who will be a source of much happiness and comfort, as well as a great support in deen, aameen.
Answered by:
Uswatul Muslimah Panel of Ulama